grateful

"But I am the LORD your God,
who brought you out of Egypt.
You shall acknowledge no God but me,
no Savior except me.

I cared for you in the desert,
in the land of burning heat.

When I fed them, they were satisfied;
when they were satisfied, they became proud;
then they forgot me.

-Hosea 13:4-6

God has brought me so far. Complacency, though not seeming like the worst struggle at first glance, is in fact one of the worst to face I'm finding. It threatens to cheapen and minimize God's work. If we were really aware, day after day, what God has done for us...well, this struggle wouldn't exist. "Look at where God has brought me" I think..."now wake up and start to really worship him". Thank you Jesus. I'm sorry. I love you.

"I said, 'I have been banished
from your sight;
yet I will look again
toward your holy temple.'

The engulfing waters threatened me,
the deep surrounded me;
seaweed was wrapped around my head.

To the roots of the mountains I sank down;
the earth beneath barred me in forever.
But you brought my life up from the pit,
O LORD my God.

When my life was ebbing away,
I remembered you, LORD,
and my prayer rose to you,
to your holy temple.

Those who cling to worthless idols
forfeit the grace that could be theirs.

But I, with a song of thanksgiving,
will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good.
Salvation comes from the LORD."

-Jonah 2:4-9

el. oh. vee. eii.

What do we love and why do we love it?

We know we are sinful by nature. We are selfish. We also have the ability to love, and be loved. Are we taking or giving, using or being used, or is there a happy medium I am missing?

I love my friends because they make me happy, they chase away loneliness, and they add ‘spice’ to my life.

Would I love them if they didn’t make me happy, did nothing to prevent loneliness, and did nothing I found particularly interesting or amusing?

Taking this to the extreme, the answer is no. I would see them as people, and therefore would still value their life, by my personal connection and loyalty towards them would be drastically different.

I’m finding all forms of human love are selfish. I either love you because I in return benefit, or because I feel I ought to, where I also benefit from the satisfaction of doing the ‘right’thing by loving you.

The end*…

*the end of my blog (and honestly any real hope in life) if Jesus is not real.

But He is real. His love is radically different. In life, being consumed in the ‘love’ previously described, always being faced with the subconscious decision of what to love for what is to be gained, being loved by others who are also under this same distorted process; it is behind this gaze I look upon the love of Jesus, and therefore do not grasp it.

I am so unworthy, yet He loves me. What does Jesus gain from my love? If I can answer this, than I can better recognize that He does truly love me, right? WRONG. The question is not to be answered for that purpose. He does not bargain, the pro’s do not have to outweigh the con’s. He loves me. END of story (and blog, for reals)... except for the verse :)



4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

What am I doing...

(What's going on/maybe what sparked this blog: My roomate's grandmother is really sick. Someone I haven't spoken to in a long time just asked me how my Dad was doing.)

I’m finding that in life nothing matters but God and people- the relationships you have and the vulnerability to love and express your love. Yes jobs, college and overall success are important, but not for the reasons people think, or the reasons we are taught. They are significant only so that you can be secure with who you are, so that you don’t develop major insecurities from a lack of these things that would inhibit your relationships; they are important so that you are free to love.

This is why the poor can die satisfied and the rich can die with regret. Of course, not in every case, but it’s worth noting. The poor who valued relationships that is, and the rich whose standards for self fulfillment (that would prevent relationship-hindering insecurities) were 1. so high they were unattained, never leading to the self fulfillment that lends itself to truly valuing relationships above all other earthly things, or 2. attained at the cost of blinding oneself to that which matters; people. To attain it, you had to be consumed by it; however once consumed, remembering why you even strived for it (if this realization is ever even made) is nearly impossible.

I want to succeed. I want a career and I want to be financially secure. But I value people more, relationships more, love more. I’m fighting to succeed, I’m fighting to love.